Daddy has been so good, so good..
Ah, to tell it all would be to write a whole book on it. But He's just altogether so merciful. The things I really don't deserve and so feebly ask for, He gives. But He's just so much more concerned with loving me than with giving me what I desire.
'Trust in the LORD and do good, dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself
He's given us another opportunity to rebuild, to restore, to do it His way this time rather than ours. God's said it wouldn't be easy, and humanly it's going to be impossible. But He's also revealed that He will multiply hundred, thousandfold and feed the masses... if we dig deep into ourselves and will to give up our all. Die to ourselves, our wills, our expectations, our needs in order to love wholeheartedly and unconditionally. How can we possibly do it if we don't first understand the love of Christ, each minute and everyday?
It's over.
But a new start, I guess. I'd made him so much of an idol that God is taking me back for Himself -
5 Their mother has been unfaithful
and has conceived them in disgrace.
She said, 'I will go after my lovers,
who give me my food and my water,
my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink.'
6 Therefore I will block her path with thornbushes;
I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way.
7 She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Then she will say,
'I will go back to my husband as at first,
for then I was better off than now.'
8 She has not acknowledged that I was the one
who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil,
who lavished on her the silver and gold—
which they used for Baal.
9 "Therefore I will take away my grain when it ripens,
and my new wine when it is ready.
I will take back my wool and my linen,
intended to cover her nakedness.
[...]
12 I will ruin her vines and her fig trees,
which she said were her pay from her lovers;
I will make them a thicket,
and wild animals will devour them.
13 I will punish her for the days
she burned incense to the Baals;
she decked herself with rings and jewelry,
and went after her lovers,
but me she forgot,"
declares the LORD.
14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.
15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor [a] a door of hope.
There she will sing [b] as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
16 "In that day," declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master. [c] '
[...]
19 I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in [d] righteousness and justice,
in [e] love and compassion.
(Hosea 2)
It's painful, but I know the Lord's always good. Time to stop being disobedient, time to let go, time to wait on God alone.
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Tuesday, March 31, 2009
swingin singapore indeed.
just came back from a certain dinner in honour of certain people who get promoted to certain (super)payscales. Very swanky indeed. Ministers from all the works were there, from the recently appointed DPM to Education Sir to George Y, and I got to mingle around with very lovely people at my table. Then I walked away and realised how high up they actually were, and started recounting what I said to make sure I didn't commit a faux pas. I think I actually called the Assistant Superintendant fella a guzzler :x
He did respond with slight shock. Let's hope he's as forgiving as he looks.
ANYHOWS. Recording for 5 songs are done woohoo! Spent the entire weekend indoors in the studios from 11am - 9pm on Sat and 2pm - 9pm on Sun. Wasn't an easy weekend because I was struggling a lot with other things on my mind, but God was surely good... will be going up to KL (Kuala Lumpur) soon to finish the other acoustic tracks.
NIE's been whoaa crazy. But the crazy weeks are over at least. In the last two weeks I've had 4 assignments to hand up, and most of the time I did the stuff really last minute - as a student put, we live by the hour in the NIE. But yess it's a pretty relaxing week this week, and I'm so thankful for the break...
am so thankful for my family, who has been an amazing support these busy weeks... for my mom who cooks for me day in and out and never complains about my short temper. for my dear who's incredibly tolerant and patient with me for being horribly self-absorbed and preoccupied with other things at times. hasn't been an easy time so far but God always makes the place of Baca a pool of springs (Ps 84 - read commentaries!)
Where we are weak - God is strong(er).
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Friday, February 20, 2009
'tis been a really stressful, high-strung week. Guess it's 'cuz I'm really starting to do work for NIE, so that meant a lot more reading than last week. Assignments and deadlines are starting to set in. Apart from that song arrangements for the album are just about done so I have to start reviewing, critiquing and practising the songs to prepare for the recording phase. I'm paid to write some worship devotions, but those are taking a back seat now because of all the other commitments. On top of that, family and the relationship, and driving, and CSMusic songwriting workshops with Martin Tang (producer and arranger for Lee Hom, A*Mei, Coco Lee etc.), and other miscellaneous things and meetups with people...
... just make me really drained out, stressed and tired at the end of the day. Above it all I realise that I'm stressed not because of all these activities per se. But because I've placed so much
expectation on myself to manage all these well. And I haven't. I'm flustered all the time because I don't want to let anything slip or offend anyone. And when people don't seem to be appreciative or understanding it does hit you quite hard. And that gets me even more perched on my toes, more flustered - because I'm not doing this right, or that right, or...
And when there're communication breakdowns, when there's the inability to find comfort and peace despite your prayers, when your health starts to take a toll on you, when you just lose confidence in yourself all over and find yourself a wreck because you've been crying till 1 am
you know something's really wrong.
And that, is when the few, simple words of "I love you" ring boldly, clearly and truly. Because they remind you of who you really, really are.
Then, you stop bustling, you stop doing. You start 'being' all over again.
"Because you are precious and honoured in my sight, and because
I love you, I will give men in exchange for you..." Isaiah 43
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Monday, February 09, 2009
Guess God never stops in crafting and moulding. For some time I felt as if I've backslid somewhat, what with all that emotional turmoil and doubting and fearing. Took a while for me to realise that He's actually bringing me out of that nice comfy spiritual baby-phase and bringing me into a time of spiritual adolescence.
Took me a while to realise that when Jesus meant 'born again' He really meant rebirth. We become babies all over again, and instead of all the rubbish that our past has fed us, God's now raising us under His own parenthood. We're babies again.
Sad thing is many people don't ever want to come out of that baby phase. Why should they want to? It's sure comfy in there. You get looked after, fed, you're feeling spiritually high and close to Daddy a lot of the time, your prayers are answered. Seems pretty nice.
But it's pretty sad if we just demand that kind of treatment when we're supposed to age spiritually... after all, who calls it 'cute' anymore when a 15-year old starts throwing tantrum like a 5-year old?
So I've realised that from the point I was born again in J2, York was really my nesting and feeding ground. I was happy a lot of the time (as far as I can remember), the environment was greatly conducive for spiritual nurturing and growth, people were forgiving and nice and understanding, and there was great support. I grew so much in those 3 years!
But London was the start of teenage-hood, and coming back to Singapore is right into the angsty throes of teenagehood where all sorts of adolescent problems start to surface: identity, heightened self-awareness and self-consciousness, transition from baby-ness to mature responsibilities. Suddenly I'm back and I have to deal with all sorts of things like taking care of parents' needs and finances and HDB and lawyer matters. And soon to come, of course, is the workplace where I can't afford to baby around anymore. Good thing is - and I give many thanks for this - God's clearly bringing about a gradual transition so all the sifting and maturing occurs a bit at a time. It's painful 'cuz it seems so difficult sometimes. But at least I'm aware now that He hasn't stopped his work and I haven't backslid as I thought. He's taken me a level higher, and is busy sifting those impurities and unwanted rubbish away from the person He's created me to be so I can be restored, free, and truly
happy."Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him." James 1:2-5More than ever, I feel that I'm just utterly lacking in wisdom. Don't have the wisdom in managing family politics especially when I'm caught in between all of them at once; don't have the wisdom to manage or tend to other people's needs because I'm just so caught up with my own; don't have the wisdom to say the right things at the right time to the right people. Hence screwup after screwup, and tears beget more tears. But the promise is that whoever sows in tears shall reap in joy... and I thank God for being my justice, wisdom and love in trying and difficult times.
Father I ask for wisdom, and I ask for boldness to apply that wisdom!
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in question
still a fluffball after all these years, only settled down on the little isle. 22 and always the Lord's little girl.
in store
Isaiah 54
'Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back, lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.'
