need to be humbler, more receptive to advice and feedback, more open to criticism.
need to find these new shoes fitting, learn to walk with them; stumble a little when I learn, and accept that I stumble.
need to be more wary of the things that distract, steal, and destroy; fix my eyes on the higher goal and walk in that direction.
to open my eyes, to love, to serve. to demand less, and give more.
I'm just utterly amazed at God's powerful moving through the everyday and how everything is completely within His control. He machinates the workings of every moment to teach, inspire, warn... and show just how faithful, so very faithful, He is to the cause of those who love Him.
I got into a minor skirmish on the road the other day on a roundabout. That being my first ever car accident, I really freaked out and was at a loss of what to do. All the SOPs escaped me and I didn't twice about calling anyone; just accepted what the guy said - that I shouldn't have been on the left lane - and agreed to make full payment to him. We settled it 'privately' on the roadside and after exchanging details and taking photos, he told me he'd contact me thereafter and bill the invoice to me.
After driving away in what was a state of complete shock and numbness (I was safe and unhurt, thank God. 'twas just a minor scrape on his bumper) I reached home and mom told me I should have done a thousand things if not for blanking out at the spot. I shouldn't have accepted full responsibility, I shouldn't have allowed him to bill the invoice straight to me, I should have paid him upfront after a quotation, I should have brought his car to my workshop, I
should have called somebody to settle it. What was worse was I checked my phone again and realised that I lost the guy's contact completely - no license plate number, name, nothing - so I couldn't reverse whatever we had agreed on on the road. I must have NOT saved that text containing his details in that flurry.
Mom felt bad on my behalf from all that was happening and went out and got me a Hershey's dark chocolate bar.
Was slightly worried over the next 1-2 days that I'd have a 1000-dollar bill sent to me, with all sorts of works put into the repair by the mechanics of his workshop. Surrendered and prayed and left it to God, hoping the big cross I saw on his dashboard was a reflection of true faith and honesty. Alvin insisted that I do something in the meanwhile rather than waited for things to happen. He urged me to report the matter to the TP and IDAC in case he should send a bill to me via insurance (and if I had not filed in at least a report that case, I'll lose all claiming rights) OR send an outrageous private bill. In his view the law would protect me - but I really didn't want to face legal consequences of any sort. I didn't know if I was going to be investigated by the TP and fined for being a silly left lane, or if I'd incur higher insurance premiums. But I knew God said to do the right thing - to render to Caesar's what is Caesar's - and to face the consequences of what I did or did wrong no matter how minor.
Went to the police post to log a file - to the amusement of the officer as he says cases like that are usually unreported - and took time to go down to IDAC even though I had completely lost the other party's details and there was no damage on my car. The IDAC lady was similarly amused; I bet they were all thinking how silly this all was, this honest little girl and her all-too-honest ways.
Today's CME lesson was on integrity. And as I was talking to my kids about Integrity - being willing to do the right things even when you have the chance to escape, cheat, or dodge; doing the right things even when no one is looking - this example surfaced to mind. I love using personal stories to illustrate things I'm teaching, so I raised it up. All of them were amused that I would report something as small as this too, but it hit a point.
"I was prepared to bear the consequences, and the decision was costly. I might have to pay higher insurance premiums, or face a TP fine because I flouted a traffic rule... But I did what I ought to, and what was right. And I felt good about it after that."
God works in miraculous ways. What is foolish to man will be used by God; and what seems wise to man is foolishness in the eyes of the Lord. After all I've done to clear myself on legal and insurance grounds, after sharing this personal story with my kids and reminding them to be honest and have the integrity to own up to things they did - I received a blessed text tonight, saying:
"Hi Jean, this is XYZ here. This is to inform you that I have covered the damages myself so there is no need for you to pay anything. Good night and God bless."
I was absolutely floored.
Everything swept back to me as I comprehended the whole event in its entirety; how God sneakily erased that message containing his details (or enabled me
not to save it), how He used Alvin to teach me a lesson of integrity; how He worked through a gracious brother in the larger Family to pardon the damage even though it was
my fault. It spoke of an even higher pardon, and the wiping away of consequences when I finally was prepared to face and accept them. It spoke of dear kindness, generosity, and love from a great Father who knows and sees and works through everything for His higher purpose. It spoke of my Daddy's love and rescue - something I needed to be convinced of, because I often come down hard on myself for making many silly mistakes from being unaware and ignorant.
Daddy knows I'm a frazzled bunny, but He's assured me that He'll redeem the situation no matter what - if I surrender and do the right things in Him. His faithfulness speaks volumes yet again.
Another answered prayer on "God, make Yourself real to me in my life. Make yourself
real."
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Friday, April 09, 2010
I know I can’t blame you
Because your work isn’t you
Just that
I’m feeling
Completely left out
Of what you do, where you rush to, what you love
Your circles
Your travelling, your schedules
I know you’re trying your best to entertain me, affirm me,
Spend time with me outside of your busy-ness
And schedule changes really really can’t be helped
But I have emotions too
And I’m getting weary
Tired
I have expectations too
And it’s normal to expect things to go a certain way
It’s just repetitive
Consecutive
Times
Of shifting plans and delays and frayed hopes and distilled meet-ups
That never would happen
That’s getting me really
Tired
And cold
I know I shouldn’t blame you, and I can’t
And I won’t get angry with you
Because I love you, and love you for everything you are,
But I’m just struggling
With inconsequential hurts that don’t matter at the end of the day
But get me so
Tired
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Thursday, September 24, 2009
Daddy why does this keep swirling on?
I know You have plans for me, and I know You're asking me to trust You. I do, and I want to, but does it have to be this difficult?"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will..." Eph 1:11
I don't want to lose myself in the midst of it all; and yet I know you're asking that very thing - to lose myself so I can live proper. I can't and don't seem to want to fathom it, but please grant me the very faith to do it. I know Your grace is always sufficient.“For whoever wishes to save his 1life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it." Mt 10:25
Father it hurts so much to be dismissed and ignored by the very person you open up to. I suppose that was what you felt in Your Son Jesus; when every person you opened yourself to betrayed, dismissed, left and pierced you at the very end."But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities..." Is 53:3
Father if this is the way to love then let me continue on this way; but please, please, walk with me, hold me and guide me and comfort me. I know You will satisfy my needs in your own riches and in your own time."I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you." Ps 32:8
weak.
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Monday, September 14, 2009
has it been that long? goodness.
I've been so bad at updating this thing; then again, I've practically shut myself away from the world for a good 2-3 months and I'm only starting to see the light again. Have lost some weight, put on more eye rings; and realised how great the implications really are for my usual disorganised mess, over-love for freedom and from accountability, non-punctuality, deep insecurity about work and performance, and inability to deal with authority.
yes, and I realise the world outside of church really can't deal with other people's insecurities. what I see as pure, unabashed honesty becomes, to foreign eyes, signs of weakness.
A good gruelling 10 weeks of teaching practice. A good gruelling time, not just of work but of picking up and re-working at the relationship as well. I never thought I would have made it but God is incredibly faithful and strong. Drifted so far away from Him in this time but I'm so glad He patiently waited and watched, then lovingly brought me back to where He is again. <3
It's been such a strange two years. I've been comparing non-stop with the times I had - and the person I was - in York and at the end of the day I know it doesn't help. I was different in York, somehow; a complete opposite of who I am here sometimes. But perhaps the person that I have to grapple with at the end of the day is who I am today. It isn't a pretty picture, but at least it's real - and I'm learning to accept it.
I'm thankful, then, that God doesn't change. That despite failings and shortcomings 'He sees the depth of my heart and He loves me the same'. And, in a land starved of affirmation and love, and ridden with criticism, that Big Well of Love is the only thing that's going to sustain me and keep me sane. 'He rejoices over you with singing'.
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Monday, June 01, 2009
Daddy has been so good, so good..
Ah, to tell it all would be to write a whole book on it. But He's just altogether so merciful. The things I really don't deserve and so feebly ask for, He gives. But He's just so much more concerned with loving me than with giving me what I desire.
'Trust in the LORD and do good, dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself
in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.' Ps 37:4
He's given us another opportunity to rebuild, to restore, to do it His way this time rather than ours. God's said it wouldn't be easy, and humanly it's going to be impossible. But He's also revealed that He will multiply hundred, thousandfold and feed the masses... if we dig deep into ourselves and will to give up our all. Die to ourselves, our wills, our expectations, our needs in order to love wholeheartedly and unconditionally. How can we possibly do it if we don't first understand the love of Christ, each minute and everyday?
Four loaves into four thousand - Father God, in Your will not ours!
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in question
still a fluffball after all these years, only settled down on the little isle. 22 and always the Lord's little girl.
in store
Isaiah 54
'Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back, lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes.'
